Have a MOPAR, MOPAR Christmas!

The holidays are a time of peaceful coexistence, when we can all put down the terrible divisions that have rendered this country asunder and learn to love one another once again. That’s right, I’m talking about the Ford vs. Chevy divide that has eaten away at the very fabric of our great nation. How can we end this seemingly unendable rift, if only for the holidays? MOPAR, that’s how. For the next few weeks let’s all agree that it’s MOPAR or no car, at least until New Years or so. And there’s no better way to show we’ve agreed on that than by doing all our Christmas shopping at the MOPAR holiday website, www.wearmopar.com. It has everything you’ll ever need to live the total MOPAR lifestyle, from beer cozies to ugly MOPAR Christmas sweaters. Shoppers get 15 percent off from now till New Years, too. Read on and order. Happy Holidays!

You will be the envy of all the other dads and moms at the socially distanced ugly sweater contest when you roll in sporting this loud, obnoxious Hemi-emblazoned polyester nightmare. Yes, that’s the backside of a massive Hemi V8 mil on the front of the sweater, while the words, “Do You Hear What I Hear?” are knitted into the back. You might even wear this ice fishing. Available in medium, L and XL, in black, blue, white or orange. If you get the orange you can also wear it for Halloween claiming you’re the MOPAR Pumpkin or something. By that time it’s possible everyone will have forgotten that you wore it at Christmas, though not likely.

“Baby, ah want ta make this Xmas ultra-special so I bought ya’ this here,” you can say as you hand this little number over afore the cracklin’ fireplace on Christmas Eve. See, cuz this ornament comes in its own custom gift box. It won’t be till later, when you’re waking up in the hospital, that you realize it’s possible your significant other mighta seen that box and been expecting jewlery or something. Who knows how their thinking goes or why? By then, of course, it will be too late. This is how Christmas memories are made. Heal up quick!

Since you’re going to be in the hospital, you’ll need one of those fancy face masks. May we suggest this handsome MOPAR-branded cotton job. It says that not only are you taking your fellow patient’s health and well being seriously, but that you’re doing your part to heal the Ford-Chevy rift.

Imagine curlin’ up by the fire to read the MOPAR parts catalog sporting a set of these handsome MOPAR socks on your massive clodhoppers. Nothin’ could be finer.

Remember the unfortunate incident with the ornament a few items back? Well, here’s how you make it up to your better half, hand over one of these. You can probably even fit it into the same custom gift box that used to house the tree ornament, unless that was crushed in the ensuing melee following that regrettable handover. The S.O. will surely appreciate the threaded inner workings of each anodized nut and how the crown-jewel silver-look MOPAR main link glistens in the moonlight. Hard to imagine this gifting could possibly go wrong.

What time is it? It’s MOPAR time! When someone asks you for the time you hold up your wrist, twist it toward them and say, “It’s MOPAR-o’clock!” That joke will never get old, trust me.

Okay, so say the ornament misunderstanding and the MOPAR hex nut jewlery presentation did not go to your expectations. May we suggest you make things good by serenading your special someone with a song played on this MOPAR Guitar? Composing your own words and music couldn’t hurt, either. “Mah love fer yew is more powerful than a Hellcat Redeye an more everlastin’ than the hardened surface of a MOPAR cam lobe…” Surely that serenading wouldn’t go unrewarded?

Now when you say, “Hold mah beer” just before doing something that will land you in tomorrow’s newspaper or find you immortalized on the internet forever, you can do it with this handsome insulated drink sleeve that will keep your frosty beverage cold while they’re hauling your carcass off to the hospital (again).

That certain special someone will know that you appreciate all those hours in the gym or at Deepak’s Yoga Barn when you purchase one of these, featuring, “semi-fitted,” “contoured racerback silhouette” with “bound self-trim neck and armholes.” Those armholes really come in handy when getting in or out of this thing.

You’ll have to leave subtle hints around the house to get one of these delivered under the Xmas tree or stuffed into a Christmas Pro-Stocking, like notes that say, “I want a 807-hp Hellcrate Redeye 6.2-liter Supercharged V8 fer Xmas.” Leave no room for doubt. If the $21,807 price tag comes up, just point out that it’s considerably less than the full cost of a complete Hellcat Redeye Challenger. I don’t see how this logic could possibly fail. Happy MOPARmas!

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